Lukewarm

HI! I'm METAMAGE from GNC, here to review this work.


First off I like this very much, in substance. I don't get the feel of domestic violence, rather the feel of a relationship irreparably broken. The poem has some very good work in it. You have all the pieces - now you need to rework and shape it. Editing is the dullest of all things in writing and the most essential for excellence.

The most potent lines and imagery: 

'This unassuming tea cup,
Will be be cracked and broken.
Bitter sweet drops of brown liquid,
Will spatter across the floor,
In a sweeping statement of revolt.'

The issue I have with the work as a whole is, it wanders the borders between free verse and a kind of literary 'memoir'. As free verse it needs sharpening and the elimination of excess verbiage to really cut. As a (fictitious) memoir it needs filling out with atmosphere and mood. At this point it does not sit comfortably in either camp, so its flow is compromised.

I'd like to see this reworked and tightened up. Commit to a form. Remember poetic forms, even free verse, is very spare. The narrator's voice here is much closer to that of story narration than that of poetic narration. That said, I think this work has powerful 'chops' and that you should push it further. I very much like the concept and the imagery is spot-on.

An option would be to take just these five lines and work them into the form of a Haiku.

HAIKU A major form of Japanese verse, written in 17 syllables divided into 3 lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables, and employing highly evocative allusions often on the 
subject of nature or commonplace events.) This work already has the essence of this, and could be quite powerful.

Here is an example:

The broken tea cup.
Bitter drops of brown liquid
Forming quick revolt.


Or, craft it as free verse with stricter focus.

Remember that implications and metaphors are power and less is truly more. Make your statements direct; to direct your statements! Remove phrases like "I know that . . . " and tell me what you know. Remove "He will;" and replace it what he is actually doing. Insert it into the present and make it immediate. You can play with the past within the power of the immediate. Put ideas and images directly in front of the reader so you can control the experience. This takes a brave hand. It is scary to be direct, but this is what makes a poem pivotal. Take every word apart and see if it is really necessary. Ask yourself,

What am I trying to show . . . not say; show! 

The gestalt of this piece seems to be about a kind of emotional camouflaging and trickery. How can you emphasize that? Also, play and play and play, with punctuation. It will dramatically increase or decrease the potency and thrust of your words. 


Here is a strict, edited and tightened up, free verse version of this work:

I pause with eyes glazed and dying
While a cup of tea sits abandoned
On a table scarred from abuse. 
The liquid is lukewarm inside - no.
It is cold, and thin.
And the cup?
A white line crosses black porcelain,
And the remains
Of hidden things
Is exposed.

He drifts by . . .
And soundlessly shuts the door.
He is once removed -
A cipher.
His movements a silent, phantom retort 
On our shattered love 
Well nigh past repair.

He will buy me flowers, soon,
And make apologies in sweet-sounding words
Till I am lulled 
By false dreams
Again.

And then the cup will twist from hand. 
My harried passions, forming a quick revolt, 
run drastic across wood and tile . . .
Looking for a way out. 

Nevertheless I still believe 
That repair is possible.
And we sit at the table
In/action.
A couple running on wood, on tile
Pretending we don't remember 
That this has happened before.

Good work! Good luck with this.