Deviation Actions
Literature Text
And keep silent my wanton lips?
Or verse me in the nature of my own being?
For it is always He that knows best.
Shall you drown me in wasted water for undefined sins, or
Grip my neck and bend me before a phantom image of zealous men?
Or mutilate me in the name of Good?
Choice is only for those who give way to the absolute,
All others are subjugates.
this poem is for me, emotionally pertinent. Does it elicit an emotional response or feeling, or does it come off more just a stated opinion?
critique's welcome. share what you think!
Author's Notes: I have the inkling that when those who believe read this, they will assume and may have already assumed that I am referring to people taking the bible and other religious works out of context to fuel their own goals. This is not so. Rather this poetry condemns the bible and other works of fiction on the fact that they perpetuate and even encourage hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and oh so much more. I realize that this might rankle with people who believe in one religion or another and who may embrace a more open minded system, but such openmindedness in a few does not excuse the truth of the matter. The bible, as with the Qur'an is at the heart of oppression and we will not escape the consequences until we cast away these books as pure fiction and embrace rationality.
Hi, I’m from GrammarNaziCritiques and will be critiquing this piece for you as requested.
What makes this poem successful is not its argument (though well formed), but its ability to express this argument in an alluring, yet logical way. Your word choice throughout the poem is impeccable. Words like “wanton lips,” “zealous men,” and “phantom image,” drive the point of this poem home while being enticing and resonate within the reader. The short, but to the point stanzas is a smart move because it makes this poem interesting and avoids sounding preachy.
When it comes to criticism, I only have minor things to address. First, I don’t see the point in putting an ellipses in the first line. I feel like it is creating an unnecessary pause, so I would just stick to either having a comma there are no punctuation. Last, what is the point in making “Grip” bold and “mutilate” italicized? I understand the intention—those are words you wanted to emphasize, but why not emphasize them the same way? I would pick one form and stick with it.
Overall, this is a fascinating poem that presents a clear argument which is successfully supported. Well done!