Broken

I want to see you break.

It is an ugly thing to feel that way.

Yet I cannot deny the deep pulsing need of it.

I want to see you break the way you broke something in me.

I'm still trying to figure out what it was you broke, not my pride for I had little of that at the time,

nor my ego either for it was already in short supply.

My trust is in tact and even flourishing (I never really gave my trust to you, so I was not a complete fool)

you broke something
d
e
e
p
e
r.
It is as if I was never made to hate but you managed to grow that seed within me anyway.

It is as if my very soul was tarnished by our insidious relationship,

as if there is something dark festering within me from everything you did to me.

I left/blocked you out from my life and I am trying

                                                                                                d e s p e r a t e l y
to forget.(but I still want to savor your breaking point)

the ugly truth is: I want to see you suffer,

and I want to be there to deny you any help at all,
the way you denied me any sense of

r e l i e f    or    compromise.

and I wonder, as I write; if that isn't exactly what would make you happiest of all.